what your drink says about you

by Kelly - University of Iowa

Big-Name Domestic Light Beer
While you know that the beverage you’re about to enjoy has as much flavor as an old cup of tea make from urinal briquettes, there’s just something comforting about watching those little mountains turn blue. Chances are also very high that you’ve never met a frat (I’m sorry, fraternity) party that you didn’t like.

PBR
You’re either:

1. A 65-year-old man who earned his living as a truck driver wanting to enjoy a working man’s beer

2. A twenty-something “writer” living off monthly checks from your parents while trying to make it in the Big City. Your love of PBR is as ironic as your Howl at the Moon tattoo, both of which are obnoxious enough to cover up your underlying fear of actually making it big and losing your “edge”.

Local Microbrews

You care more about being seen drinking a little known organic, locally grown, cage-free IPA than what it actually tastes like. But these 10.4% ABV brews are not the same ones you pounded in college and by beer number three you’ll wonder how in the world you got so drunk.

Vodka Redbull

Mixing liquor with energy drinks is like announcing to the world “I don’t always like to get drunk but when I do, I like to get completely out of control.” Except without the first part because let’s be honest, if your go-to drink is a VRB, chances are you already snorted at least 3 Adderall today.

Tequila Shots

You work so hard and are so underappreciated in all aspects of your life that you deserve a little reward at the end of the day! So you’re with your best girlfriends Brittany and Jill (a Carrie and a Charlotte/Miranda, respectively) at El Azul Mercada for happy hour margs to blow off a little steam and—OMG is that your ex-boyfriend with another girl?! Excuse me, waiter? We need 14 tequila shots. Where are the limes?!

Rum & Coke

You just spent $9 on your watered down drink at a mono-syllabic nightclub, like Mint or Peak, and you’re just waiting for an excuse to start a fight with somebody. Unfortunately, you spent too much time at the gym maxing out your lats and tri’s so you can’t even turn your head when some bro spills a drink on your Sean John wifebeater. You’ll find him next time bro.

White Wine

You’ve done a lot of growing up in your first year of graduate school; tastes have matured, hygiene has gotten slightly worse, and you now worship Liz Lemon as your personal god. Nothing compliments your passion for Post-Feminist Poetry of the 19th Century like a dry, dry chardonnay, which you order at the same frat bar you frequented as an undergrad. It will be handed to you in a plastic cup just like everyone else but still muster enough pretentiousness to look down on every Neanderthal drinking Busch Light around you.

Martini

You’re only 20 but you don’t want anyone you’re with to know so you look for the first cocktail on the menu that ends with “-tini” (Classic Martini, sounds good right?) in hopes the bartender won’t card you, because nobody with such a sophisticated palette could be underage. Unfortunately, you didn’t realize what you ordered and now you’re stuck trying to get your face not to contort so much as you choke down straight gin.

Jagerbomb

“Hey have you seen that—“
“Yes for the tenth time, we’ve all seen My New Haircut.”
“…..Oh.”

You’ll do just about anything for a story. And by anything, I mean literally anything. Like anything, seriously you’re down for it and oh my god why do you suddenly feel like punching a wall?