monday, december 15th, 2014

I originally only planned on doing this for certain alcohols/events (wine, Jameson, tequila, power hour) but decided to write down a normal night out just to see what I’d be working with. Here that is:

4:32pm: bartender asks me to text a certain Saints player and ask him not to make any plays because he is on his opponent’s fantasy team and if he wins today he goes to the playoffs. I tell him I’ll see what I can do.

8:14pm: ask my manager if we can take shots when said certain Saints player scores. Manager asks why. I explain the situation and my history with him. Manager says “absolutely.” Bartender is not happy.

First shot: Dragon Bomb

8:48pm: drank a Red Bull. Immediate regret.

11:15pm: Bears game has left me empty and afraid. Fireball has begun. Alyssa has had one glass of wine and three shots when I clock out and join her.

11:19pm: Manager is telling us awful tequila-drunk stories

11:54pm: Arrive at the Diag Bar and Grille, DBAG for short. Timmy Too Tall smacks whatever I’m holding out of my hand upon arrival. Alyssa orders a Hot Greg. Hot Greg is street slang for Pinot Grigio, which isn’t a real thing. I order a PBR, which is also not a real thing.

12:02am: We start to plan out which nights we are documenting. Although there will be temptation to take shots during wine night, we must be strong. I have faith in us.

12:04am: Wine. Jameson. Tequila. Power Hours. Ride The Rail.

12:05am: I have ranked all the male bartenders at work and they are aware of where they stand. Alyssa is angry with my rankings and says they are wrong and we will have to have a discussion about it tomorrow.

12:14am: Approximately 12 hours after Alyssa told me she is swearing off Rumplemintz she orders shots of Rumplemintz. She has a problem. A problem only Rumplemintz can solve. She has also divulged all of my dirty slutty secrets to Timmy Too Tall and I have zero regrets.

12:19am: Realized the guy from Tinder I’m talking to has 666 in his phone number. I’ll ignore it because I’m painfully single and he loves Cutler as much as I do.

12:29am: Realized it’s Tuesday and Timmy Too Tall and I are not allowed to talk on Tuesdays. This is not good.

12:34am: Dennis enters stage right

12:36am: Jameson

12:39am: White guy named Jamal

12:55am: FIREBALL. Alyssa tells me her and Timmy Too Tall were talking about me when they smoked outside. Alyssa also wants it known that she is NOT doing a Hot Greg.

12:56am: Alyssa yells “WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?” I struggle to come up with an answer.

12:57am: Alyssa talks to random hot dude at the bar. Turns out he used to work at Crossing. (Nick) [he wrote his own name in]

12:59am: Alyssa’s hand has a stroke. It will all be okay.

1:06am: Loaded regular gives me his phone so he can friend request Alyssa. Asks me “So wait how do I become buddies with her?”

[Start Nick’s handwriting]

1:14 PBR and Miller Lite

1:22 Alyssa stood on chair for unknown reasons and was caught by a hot tall dude

[End Nick’s handwriting]

1:34am: Alyssa has taken two shots of Rumplemintz. I have as well.

1:40am: Guy talking to us (Dennis) sees Alyssa flirting with another dude (Nick) and threatens to not pay for our tab. I laugh at him and now he is more angry than before.

2:35am: Dear Journal. Uh oh.

2:36am: There’s a turkey in the smoker. Shepard’s Pie. Awesome Blossom. 222. Grand Slam.