January | 2015 | Allegedly An Adult

12:31am: Our new years resolution of only one rumple a night = fucked.

12:32am: GODFUCKINGDAMNIT

12:35am: Jeff asks me to switch flannel shirts with him. I tell him he can’t handle my flannel.

12:51am: Whole bottle of 337 –> Rumplemintz –> Talking in my manager’s accent

[Start Sam’s handwriting]

1:01am: Random guy I don’t know is tapping me across the bar with one of those selfie sticks

1:02am: I drank my 4th glass of wine in 41 minutes. I will not go to Thai’s. I will not go to Thai’s. I will not.

1:04am: Kelly goes on a rampage against the Backstreet Boys

[End Sam’s handwriting]

1:12am: Sam doesn’t know Tai’s is spelled without an H. “I thought it was like the country!”

1:17am: Sam adopts a rumplemintz and raises it and loves it as if it were her own

1:19am: My body is a garbage dump

1:36am: “Suck my dick my good friends because this is happening”

12:42am: #COOLTHEJETSTHEREHOMESLICE

12:45am: Alyssa and I have had no Rumplemintz tonight and we will keep it that way

12:59am: We decided bottles of Natty are a better idea #TheHumpty

1:10am: It’s called Instabang and it’s 100% totally free #MelvinWouldHaveThis

1:55am: Just found out the real meaning of the Hot Greg

1:56am: Saw some Hot. Gregs.

1:59am: Cab driver assumes correctly

2:01am: Bridget asks cab driver, “you want some boobs? You want some butts?” and he replies that he just wants to make tips. I respect that.

2:08am: Sam pulls out mittens to drink her beer. Tai’s is quite chilly so I’m a bit envious.

2:37am: I asked the time and Bridget told me “it’s Bridget-Thirty, always.”

[[Begin Bridget-Thirty]]

Phil enters stage right

“Anytime someone takes a shot of rumple it’s a bat signal to call TBone” – Bridget

Bridget gets excellently involved with an involved in an interpretive dance off with a man in a pink shirt

[Begin Sam’s handwritting]

Bridget’s hair danced and did beautiful artistic moves with a guy wearing pink and Zack Galifinakis hair. It was majestic.

[End Sam’s handwriting]

I imagine this is like when a unicorn prances

BLANK SPACE

[Begin Sam’s much angrier handwriting]

He prob shampoos with Pantene. So lustrous. So shiny.

I HATE THESE YOUNG GIRLS. IF YOU WEREN’T ALIVE IN 1987 I HATE YOU.

Pink guy aka the dolphin is passed out on the bar

[End Sam’s much angrier handwriting]

Phil, on the other hand——— looks like Phil

[[End Bridget-Thirty]]

Month: January, 2015