You didn’t know anyone at school, but that’s the reason you went away. You needed a fresh start, a whole new chance to be the girl you envied in high school. The effortlessly cool girl that everyone loved. You came here for another reason too: a boy. Of course it’s a boy, you’re still years away from becoming emotionally jaded. He was yours when you agreed to move out of state of he’s not anymore.

Your dormmate is a partier, something you don’t know you have the gene for yet. She knows a lot of people, older guys not living in the dorms. You go with her to their apartment to play beer pong. Beer still tastes like warm stale urine to you so you stick with vodka shots. Not the good kind. He was your beer pong partner that night and had an exam in the morning but that didn’t stop him from inviting himself over to your dorm. It seems strange that he can just walk into a freshman dorm no questions asked. You later see yourself referred to as “his kryptonite” on Facebook after that night.

You were the quiet girl that sat next to the charming star athlete. Football captain, class clown. The kind of guy that yells “FREE BIRD” at any concert. You never said much. School was school. You got your good grades and went home.

There was an assignment. A project every senior has to do. Tell your story. The whole story. The depression, the eating disorder, all the reasons you’ve been the quiet girl in class. The next day he sat down next to you and said hi for the first time. He apologized.

I didn’t realize the things guys say to girls affect them like that. I’m sorry.

His best friend had a crush on you. Was in love with you. He told you many times. You kept turning him down. He had a girlfriend and he was going away. When he moved to college he reached out to you, the athlete that apologized. He took you to dinner and a movie, then back to his parent’s basement. Neither of you told his best friend.

He was the first. First kiss. First relationship. First everything. Late night dates at Denny’s, 3am “I can’t stop thinking about you” texts. He’s the reason you cry when Stevie Wonder comes on. He’s also still in love with his ex. She was the one for him, it was never you. And when she wanted him back, he left. He left your happy world and moved back to hers. It was much darker there. He started drinking. Doing drugs. You watched him turn into a shell of his former self. He catered to her like an eager puppy with Stockholm Syndrome despite being hurt over and over again. He came back to you, after she discarded him again. Broken. Empty, Never sober. It was always after midnight. It was well after midnight when he called you to come outside. Him and his friend had a bottle of vodka. When you woke up the next morning there were grass burns on your arms and blood in your panties.