As I approach my 26th birthday I’ve been challenging myself to think of things I’ve learned in my quarter-century years of existing. Seeing as I’m a bartender living payday to payday with no real savings and not currently doing anything with my journalism background (besides frequently journaling about my personal life while drunk on Yellow Tail wine) we’ll see how this ends up.
If you don’t like your current situation, change it.
If you want to lose weight, put down the junk food and pick up some running shoes. If you want to save up to move to a different city, start budgeting. If you REALLY want to change your life, go out there and do it. No excuses.
Don’t stress over anything you can’t change.
The old saying “it is what it is” is cheesy and cliché but goddamnit has it saved me a lot of stress and anger. Sometimes traffic is going to make you late no matter how early you leave. Sometimes customers are going to leave shitty tips because of nothing you did wrong. If it’s out of your control, let it go and I guarantee that you’ll be happier.
Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.
Take risks. Give it your all. If it doesn’t work out then learn what you can do next time to get yourself closer to success. Lean on the people around you, for you have a much bigger support system than you realize.
There will be mistakes you’ll never learn from.
Hundreds of hangovers later and I still don’t know how to say, “maybe I don’t need this next Jameson shot.” And that’s okay. Just make sure you have some Gatorade and Advil on hand for the next day.
Don’t take uppers for 36 hours straight without eating and then pregame for an EDM show with Franzia and Three Olives Cake vodka.
Trust me on this one.
Do not let anyone make you feel bad for the decisions you’ve made in life that made you who you are today.
The past is in the past. It brought you to where you are now and you should not have to apologize for how you got there. Did I make some questionable decisions in the past? Yes. But I’m where I need to be now. If you don’t like where your “here” is, then go back to #2.
Don’t date the “nice guy” because that’s what you think you need. I wasted so much time and emotion on this. He was thoughtful, kind, funny. Great job with a 401k. Wanted to buy a house with a yard for a dog. He was the opposite of the loser bar employees I had dated in the past. He had a plan. I could be part of that. I reassured myself every damn day that this is the change I needed. Defended the relationship constantly to people questioning my choice in the anti-bad boy with the, “but he’s so nice!” line.
But the thing is (shocker), healthy relationships should NOT require you to psych yourself up in the mirror to justify them. We started to talk less and less. We became less interested in the activities we’d do together. We’d go to bed at 10pm so he could get up early for work and I started sneaking out and go out with my friends because I didn’t want to be there. He could tell he was weighing me down and that it wasn’t working. I was not being fair to him with my work schedule either. It still hurt when we split because I felt so stupid thinking about changing my life for him, but I’m much happier knowing I dodged a bullet.
Date.
Have casual hook-ups with different types of guys. Have a drunk one-night stand. Go home with the hot bartender. Learning what you want in a partner doesn’t just happen overnight; you need to go out and do your research.
Don’t automatically count out long-distance relationships.
I’ve been in multiple in my dating career and I don’t regret any of them. Your friends will all tell you that you’re young and life is too short for LDRs and seriously you would actually move for a BOY? Fuck their opinion. Distance shouldn’t matter if the feelings are there and they are strong. Moving for a significant other should not be looked down upon. Yes, they can be hard work sometimes. You’ll be drunk and lonely and miss them a lot. Let them know. Be honest with them every step of the way. Get Snapchat. Don’t fuck other people. It’s that simple. Remember that it’s far better to work hard for a good paycheck than sit around and hope to win the lottery.
If there IS someone else, goddamnit be a good person and let your partner know.
I’ve seen too many hearts get broken this way, my own included. “Nice guy” dumped me out of the blue a week after planning all of our summer trips because he couldn’t commit to a relationship at the time. He became facebook official with a new girl a couple weeks later. It’s shady, it’s unnecessary and it has to be fucking exhausting to keep up with the lies. Don’t be that person.
Beware of the guy who doesn’t have hobbies or interests.
I dated this guy when I was 24. He wasn’t passionate about anything in life besides drinking whiskey. He didn’t like sports. He didn’t watch TV. He didn’t read. He was a decent cook but only because he did it for a paycheck and not much else. No hobbies besides buying t-shirts that were too big for him. Didn’t have an opinion on anything. There was no fire in his eyes. You know that one spark or flame that lights up when someone gets on a subject that they’re really interested in? They start getting emotional and stumbling over their own words and then say something like, “sorry I know this is nerdy but…” That’s one of the sexiest qualities in a person, at least to me. If he’s not passionate about anything now then what says he’s going to be passionate about your relationship?
Have your own hobbies outside of your significant other.
That sexy quality I described? Other people want to see it in you too. Find something you love and research it to death. Don’t feel embarrassed to share your excitement. Your partner should be happy that you’re happy and support you in your interests.
Don’t be afraid to cut toxic friends out of your life.
It doesn’t matter if you considered them one of your good friends, if they start contributing more bad than good in your life then it’s time to step back and see if it’s worth it to keep ties. I get it; you don’t want to lose this person because maybe you’ve known each other for years or they helped you through a hard time. Friendships, like romantic relationships, are a two-way street and when it starts to become one-sided it’s time to talk.
That being said: don’t burn bridges.
I blame this on me being a Libra but I’m not about confrontation and all about keeping it peaceful and fair. If and when you decide that you need to cut ties with someone, do so amicably. Don’t purposely give anyone a reason to dislike you (though there will always be haters who’re gonna hate hate hate hate hate). This goes for business relationships as well. Don’t fuck over your boss by dramatically quitting on the spot, or berate them for firing you. You never know when that connection could potentially help you land your dream job.
Don’t apologize for your “number”.
You know which one I’m talking about. It’s your past, and your current partner has nothing to do with it. An ex of mine used to get drunk and yell at me about the guys I was with before we were dating and he could never see how irrational he was being. You can’t go back in time and change it. Embrace it.
Learn to laugh at yourself.
Don’t take yourself too seriously because let’s face it, life isn’t serious sometimes. We’re all human. I’ve split two pairs of pants THIS YEAR doing high kick contests against my coworkers. I say stupid shit. I’m an incredibly awkward white girl that attempts to dance like Beyonce on the bar. It puts others at ease and makes you more approachable and trustworthy.
Ladies, don’t be that “I only have guy friends” girl.
Every guy likes a girl that can get along with his friends. Nothing wrong with drinking beer, talking shit and watching football with the guys on Sunday; guys are great to hang out with but girls are the ones in a cab over to your house at 3am after you text them you got dumped. And I know this is an awful (and hypocritical, see below) stereotype but it tends to be true: there’s a reason a girl doesn’t have any girl friends. And it’s not good.
As a female, you will be negatively stereotyped.
Don’t let them get to you. Went through a period of casual hook-ups after a bad break up? Slut. Focused on your career instead of a family? Lonely cat lady. Slept with an athlete? Jersey chaser. Politely decline a date with someone you’re not interested in? Bitch. It sucks but it’s not going away any time soon. Thick skin, white wine and red lipstick help.
Learn the signs of dealing with a sociopath.
Never thought that would be something I learned but life is unpredictable. They are much more common than you think and will do just about anything to get what they want with no regard to whom they hurt in the process.
It’s perfectly okay to have a type.
But don’t rule a potential partner out at first glance because he’s not your “exact” type. People can surprise you.
Do NOT forget where you came from.
While your early-twenties are about figuring out who you are as a person, it’s important that you don’t forget where you came from. No matter where life takes you, family is always home. Family will be there with you through thick and thin and are an incredible, unconditional support system. Don’t lose that. Also no food will ever taste as good as your mom’s food.
Relationships are NEVER the same after high school.
No matter how great of a relationship you’re in, nothing beats the vulnerability of your first real one. You feel every single emotion. Everything is so honest and exciting. You liked a boy and a boy liked you back and it’s the most magical feeling in the world. After school, life starts to catch up with you and you’ll be forced to grow up. When you find someone who makes you feel like you did in high school all over again, don’t lose them.
Be vocal about what you do and do not like in the bedroom.
Once you know what works for you don’t be shy when it comes to telling your partner. Chances are that he wants to know but is too shy to ask as well. Don’t be afraid to try something new and to laugh if it doesn’t work out. Sex isn’t supposed to be serious.
Judging people on superficial things should be left in high school.
You are not superior because you think you have “better” taste in music, movies, TV shows, etc. You’re not above someone because you still use a library card and don’t fuck around with a Kindle, or because you hang out sipping organic espresso at a coffee house instead of playing video games. That just makes you an asshole. To each their own.
Stop stressing so much about money.
I’ll be the first to admit that this one is more of a “do as I say, not as I do.” Money is a constant stress for me. Months of being an unpaid intern drained my entire savings. I was let go from my job in January and fell behind on rent HARD. I’ve had my power shut off. But in the end, money is just money and things are just things and it’s not worth your happiness.
And now for the best piece of advice I’ve ever gotten.
I was flying to Seattle to visit this boy and was extremely nervous. I had been crushed by a break-up with my college boyfriend and had been emotionally unavailable for quite some time until he came along and gave me all those vulnerable feelings that I mentioned earlier. I didn’t want to face my emotions and almost canceled the trip completely. Boarding my connecting flight in Minneapolis, I came across this quote on Instagram:
You know the one thing that absolutely terrifies you? The one thing that makes your palms sweat and your heart pound? Yeah, go out and do that. Because vulnerability and courage are necessary to reach the deepest depths of your secret heart. So book the ticket. Jump out the plane. Say I love you. Your soul will thank you, I promise.
Being content is easy; you have to take some risks to know what it’s like to be truly happy.
Big-Name Domestic Light Beer
While you know that the beverage you’re about to enjoy has as much flavor as an old cup of tea make from urinal briquettes, there’s just something comforting about watching those little mountains turn blue. Chances are also very high that you’ve never met a frat (I’m sorry, fraternity) party that you didn’t like.
PBR
You’re either:
1. A 65-year-old man who earned his living as a truck driver wanting to enjoy a working man’s beer
2. A twenty-something “writer” living off monthly checks from your parents while trying to make it in the Big City. Your love of PBR is as ironic as your Howl at the Moon tattoo, both of which are obnoxious enough to cover up your underlying fear of actually making it big and losing your “edge”.
Local Microbrews
You care more about being seen drinking a little known organic, locally grown, cage-free IPA than what it actually tastes like. But these 10.4% ABV brews are not the same ones you pounded in college and by beer number three you’ll wonder how in the world you got so drunk.
Vodka Redbull
Mixing liquor with energy drinks is like announcing to the world “I don’t always like to get drunk but when I do, I like to get completely out of control.” Except without the first part because let’s be honest, if your go-to drink is a VRB, chances are you already snorted at least 3 Adderall today.
Tequila Shots
You work so hard and are so underappreciated in all aspects of your life that you deserve a little reward at the end of the day! So you’re with your best girlfriends Brittany and Jill (a Carrie and a Charlotte/Miranda, respectively) at El Azul Mercada for happy hour margs to blow off a little steam and—OMG is that your ex-boyfriend with another girl?! Excuse me, waiter? We need 14 tequila shots. Where are the limes?!
Rum & Coke
You just spent $9 on your watered down drink at a mono-syllabic nightclub, like Mint or Peak, and you’re just waiting for an excuse to start a fight with somebody. Unfortunately, you spent too much time at the gym maxing out your lats and tri’s so you can’t even turn your head when some bro spills a drink on your Sean John wifebeater. You’ll find him next time bro.
White Wine
You’ve done a lot of growing up in your first year of graduate school; tastes have matured, hygiene has gotten slightly worse, and you now worship Liz Lemon as your personal god. Nothing compliments your passion for Post-Feminist Poetry of the 19th Century like a dry, dry chardonnay, which you order at the same frat bar you frequented as an undergrad. It will be handed to you in a plastic cup just like everyone else but still muster enough pretentiousness to look down on every Neanderthal drinking Busch Light around you.
Martini
You’re only 20 but you don’t want anyone you’re with to know so you look for the first cocktail on the menu that ends with “-tini” (Classic Martini, sounds good right?) in hopes the bartender won’t card you, because nobody with such a sophisticated palette could be underage. Unfortunately, you didn’t realize what you ordered and now you’re stuck trying to get your face not to contort so much as you choke down straight gin.
Jagerbomb
“Hey have you seen that—“
“Yes for the tenth time, we’ve all seen My New Haircut.”
“…..Oh.”
You’ll do just about anything for a story. And by anything, I mean literally anything. Like anything, seriously you’re down for it and oh my god why do you suddenly feel like punching a wall?
Being a writer, I’ve documented pretty much everything I’ve ever done since the age of 13. Piles of diaries, composition books, sketchbooks, and notes folded up into tiny paper footballs fill up shelves in my bedroom. Most contain overzealous analyzations of the most mundane things you could think of, like the time a boy may have waved to be in the hallway but one notebook stands above them all.
This is the cover and pile of pictures of celebrities I kept inside
I don’t even know what you would call it. A Burn Book? A time capsule? Encyclopedia of a Freshman Wannabe? I mean, this things has list after list of quotes my friends said, dated MASH results, and a guide to every cute boy I saw (nicknames and stick figure portraits included). There is also a list of 120 things titled “Things To Do When I’m Famous or Not Famous.” Being in that awkward in-between-school-and-a-real-job phase, I think it’s time I look back at this list, see where I am in life, how far I still need to go, and if my 9th grade self would approve. So here it goes:
Allegedly An Adult 