You were looking for a new apartment. You hate looking for a new apartment. Your friend was being flaky. Didn’t show up to a showing with you, didn’t even know if she was going to stay in the city. She was close with one of your regulars at the bar you two worked at and there happened to be a unit being remodeled in his building right below him. He offered you a viewing of his place to get a feel for the layout. You were supposed to see it after work one day when your friend gets too drunk during her shift to make it to the showing. You don’t have his number so you can’t contact him. He finds you on Facebook and messages you. He was disappointed, she had told him to make dinner for you two and he bought all this stuff. You apologize like crazy and say you’ll make it up to him.

Oh yeah? How’s that? 😉

Bros really know how to turn nothing into something. He’s hot and sort of douchey so you decide to roll with it. He gives you specific instructions. A time and a place. Specific clothing he wants you to wear.  Finally put some use to the hundreds of dollars of lingerie just sitting in your closet. You’re pretty sure things like this don’t happen in real life. You were fresh off work when he texted you to come over so you told him you were just in jeans and t-shirt. He said he needed you anyway.

You didn’t know anyone at school, but that’s the reason you went away. You needed a fresh start, a whole new chance to be the girl you envied in high school. The effortlessly cool girl that everyone loved. You came here for another reason too: a boy. Of course it’s a boy, you’re still years away from becoming emotionally jaded. He was yours when you agreed to move out of state of he’s not anymore.

Your dormmate is a partier, something you don’t know you have the gene for yet. She knows a lot of people, older guys not living in the dorms. You go with her to their apartment to play beer pong. Beer still tastes like warm stale urine to you so you stick with vodka shots. Not the good kind. He was your beer pong partner that night and had an exam in the morning but that didn’t stop him from inviting himself over to your dorm. It seems strange that he can just walk into a freshman dorm no questions asked. You later see yourself referred to as “his kryptonite” on Facebook after that night.

what your drink says about you

Big-Name Domestic Light Beer
While you know that the beverage you’re about to enjoy has as much flavor as an old cup of tea make from urinal briquettes, there’s just something comforting about watching those little mountains turn blue. Chances are also very high that you’ve never met a frat (I’m sorry, fraternity) party that you didn’t like.

PBR
You’re either:

1. A 65-year-old man who earned his living as a truck driver wanting to enjoy a working man’s beer

2. A twenty-something “writer” living off monthly checks from your parents while trying to make it in the Big City. Your love of PBR is as ironic as your Howl at the Moon tattoo, both of which are obnoxious enough to cover up your underlying fear of actually making it big and losing your “edge”.

Local Microbrews

You care more about being seen drinking a little known organic, locally grown, cage-free IPA than what it actually tastes like. But these 10.4% ABV brews are not the same ones you pounded in college and by beer number three you’ll wonder how in the world you got so drunk.

Vodka Redbull

Mixing liquor with energy drinks is like announcing to the world “I don’t always like to get drunk but when I do, I like to get completely out of control.” Except without the first part because let’s be honest, if your go-to drink is a VRB, chances are you already snorted at least 3 Adderall today.

Tequila Shots

You work so hard and are so underappreciated in all aspects of your life that you deserve a little reward at the end of the day! So you’re with your best girlfriends Brittany and Jill (a Carrie and a Charlotte/Miranda, respectively) at El Azul Mercada for happy hour margs to blow off a little steam and—OMG is that your ex-boyfriend with another girl?! Excuse me, waiter? We need 14 tequila shots. Where are the limes?!

Rum & Coke

You just spent $9 on your watered down drink at a mono-syllabic nightclub, like Mint or Peak, and you’re just waiting for an excuse to start a fight with somebody. Unfortunately, you spent too much time at the gym maxing out your lats and tri’s so you can’t even turn your head when some bro spills a drink on your Sean John wifebeater. You’ll find him next time bro.

White Wine

You’ve done a lot of growing up in your first year of graduate school; tastes have matured, hygiene has gotten slightly worse, and you now worship Liz Lemon as your personal god. Nothing compliments your passion for Post-Feminist Poetry of the 19^th Century like a dry, dry chardonnay, which you order at the same frat bar you frequented as an undergrad. It will be handed to you in a plastic cup just like everyone else but still muster enough pretentiousness to look down on every Neanderthal drinking Busch Light around you.

Martini

You’re only 20 but you don’t want anyone you’re with to know so you look for the first cocktail on the menu that ends with “-tini” (Classic Martini, sounds good right?) in hopes the bartender won’t card you, because nobody with such a sophisticated palette could be underage. Unfortunately, you didn’t realize what you ordered and now you’re stuck trying to get your face not to contort so much as you choke down straight gin.

Jagerbomb

“Hey have you seen that—“
“Yes for the tenth time, we’ve all seen My New Haircut.”
“…..Oh.”

You’ll do just about anything for a story. And by anything, I mean literally anything. Like anything, seriously you’re down for it and oh my god why do you suddenly feel like punching a wall?